I have had a unique relationship with Anxiety my whole life. Here’s a poem of mine on the matter…
OH Anxiety…
You act like a friend,
a guise for motivation,
the ultimate protector;
I want to stuff you in a bag and suffocate you
Like how I feel when you attack me
Anxiety had affected just about every facet of life, especially sleep. For as long as I could remember, I had trouble falling asleep. I would lie awake for hours worrying, and replays of my past experiences and decisions haunted me. In 2005, it got even worse; I would wake up in the middle of night and could not fall back to sleep no matter what I tried. I complained that it was my stressful job and my partner watching TV at bedtime. I desperately needed to sleep and wanted my job and my partner to change. Anxiety continued to sabotage me. In order to get a peaceful night of sleep, I had to do the following:
Step 1: I had to accept that my job is stressful and that I cannot control other people’s reactions/behaviors.
Step 2: I had to take responsibility for getting my own needs met.
I finally dragged myself back into therapy and my therapist recommended listening to an EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing click here to learn more) CD which plays soothing sounds that alternate playing in each ear to mimic REM (Rapid Eye Movement) Guess what I told her? … “I tried that, it didn’t work.” I did try it two times about a year before. I had put my boom box on my bed (very uncomfortable) and then the CD started skipping at song 4. She said she’d make me a new copy of the CD and I could go buy a portable CD player.
Easy solution right?
Step 3: TRUST
Well, I am a frugal person so I mulled over buying a portable CD player for weeks. My husband didn’t think it was a necessary purchase. I thought of all the things he buys that seem frivolous to me and decided to trust my therapist’s suggestion to buy one. Suffering from the anxiety, of course, I stood in front of the CD players for 20 minutes and still couldn’t decide. I even had to call my sister for advice on which player to get (I am a 30-year woman at this point).
Step 4: Put my words into action and implement plans.
I finally bought one for $30, which of course I felt guilty about. I put in the batteries and new EMDR CD to go to bed only to find out that the CD is not working properly; the music was not alternating between ears. I complained to my husband and he suggested maybe the headphones are not in stereo. So he finds me another pair from around the house. It worked!!! I had to listen to the CD twice but I did fall asleep peacefully. When I woke up in the middle of the night and listened to it, and it soothed me again but then I ran into another hurdle…because I was using batteries, the player ran out of power right as I was falling asleep. A few days later, I had no more batteries to replace with. I kept buying more and more batteries but they ran out so quickly. I was so irritated and ready to give up…
Step 5: Love myself through trial and error!!! Give me permission to feel exasperated and any other negative feelings. Believe in success.
So I told myself: That I can work through this. I know this will work. I have to keep trying.
For a couple of weeks I kept trying different power adaptors around the house. On my 4th attempt about 2 weeks later, I found a working adaptor. Eureka!!! I was able to fall asleep …except the bulkiness of the headphones limited my sleeping positions. I complained again. My husband found me a pair of earbuds.
Finally, after 20 years I was able to fall asleep with no problems and sleep through the night. The progress was gradual and rocky. I needed to listen to the entire CD a couple of times to fall asleep and would still awake in the middle of the night. Then I got to fall asleep after one time through the CD and didn’t wake up in the middle of the night. Eventually, it got to where I’d fall asleep during the first song. After about 3 weeks* of listening to the CD every night, I could fall asleep without it. I changed a problematic behavior and situation in two months with no drugs. Now, I only use it once in a while. It took a heavy dose of acceptance, taking responsibility, trust; commitment to act with perseverance, unconditional love, and support from people who genuinely care about my needs.
*It takes on average, 21 times to repeat a specific behavior to make a secure connection in your brain and within your relationships.
So, when it comes to making positive, healthy, and proactive changes, please try again and again. Genuine and sustainable healing takes time. Trust the process. ~Debra
Here is a link to an EMDR CD target for Anxiety: anxietyreleaseapp
The CD in above link is not the one I originally used though I have successfully used the CD included in Mark Grant’s book: Change Your Brain, Change Your Pain
I am always researching the more affordable, effective and holistic ways to cultivate integration and healing. A training in neurofeedback suggested a range of devices that increase alpha waves in our brain which increases our ability for focused relaxation. They are of Cranial Electrical Stimulation (CES), Heart Rate Variability (HRV) Biofeedback, and The Muse. There are many ways to reach the same endpoint. Follow your light and trust yourself.
Take Wonderful Care,
Debra
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When it comes to making positive, healthy, and proactive changes, please try again and again. Genuine and sustainable healing takes time. Trust the process.