When I first saw this slide it was entitled “Love based parenting vs Fear-based parenting.” Fear induces the release of stress hormones which over time has many negative effects. Ocytocin is our loving, bonding hormone which promotes optimal development, positivity, and connection. This visual displays vividly the continuum I feel in my heart, the dichotomy that exists in our society, and the constant conflict I face when I show others love-based responses. As I have been counseling families since 2001, I now prefer to say trust-based responses.
Sadly, much of traditional parenting is fear-based and punitive. I believe punishment is any fear-based reaction by caregiver that deprives child of a vital need, adds toxic levels of stress and the child has no safe place to process, express and have new understanding of the overwhelming emotions, behaviors and/or events. Most times when I witness parents interact with their children, they are operating from a fearful lens. Parents tend to view their children’s behavior as a report card that reflects how they are doing as a parent. They fear if the child is behaving this badly now, then they are for certain on a destructible path to failure and hardship in the future. This naturally instantly triggers fear and insecurity for the parent causing them to react negatively, mostly with threats and statements that send a message of mistrust or “What is wrong with you!?”Parents also lack understanding about normal development and have their own build up of unprocessed negative core beliefs, unmet needs, stressors and reactions based on how they were treated when they behaved similarly as children.
I understand how it may seem impossible to believe trust-based responses truly work when you are in the grips of fear and perpetually stressed. One is constantly being triggered into a reactionary state when our stress buckets are full and our vital needs are neglected. Taking deep breaths and becoming mindful of our thoughts, feelings, and actions help us slow down and choose an appropriate loving and respectful RESPONSE to relieve stress and get everyone’s needs met. Feeling safe and understood is VITAL for optimal growth and connection. Please fear less, LOVE MORE.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” ~Viktor E. Frankl
The image at top is from this webinar on “Oxytocin and Children” by Dr. Bryan Post and Helen Timpone which you can watch below…I want to comment about how under the “Oxtocin Poor (fear-based) Parenting” list includes using medication which I agree is true when it is the first reaction. I believe medication can be useful yet best to first address other relational and environmental factors to best meet the child’s needs.
I recommend this article by Heath T Forbes on How to explain “Parenting Beyond Consequences”
Read books:
Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control www.beyondconsequences.com/
From Fear to Love Get The From Fear To Love Book
Check out some of our most popular videos:
How to Sooth Disturbing Emotions and Process Negative Events Quickly – Simple Techniques
Positive Reframe on Healing: All Healing is Self-Healing
What I Do Instead of Making Up Consequences and Punishment
Breathing Exercise to Self Soothe and Calm Down
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Disclaimer
Positive Reframe shares resources with the intent of the positive progression of informed decision-making related to issues associated with emotional, relational, physical, and spiritual wellness. While I share personal and professional perspectives, my writings reflect my personal opinion and are not intended to substitute professional advice, diagnosis, and treatment thus the content shared on this page is for informational purposes only. This online medium does not lend itself to the level of detail and rapport building required for thorough assessment and therapeutic intervention. To make well-informed decisions that best meet your family’s unique needs, I highly recommend exploring and researching available options, consulting primary healthcare providers, engaging in respectful dialogue with friends and family as well as seek referrals from a trusted source for professional counseling. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of Illinois, USA.
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