#metoo #ChildAbusePrevention #SexualAssaultAwareness *Trigger Warning*
It seems on a regular basis, there are certain sexual abuse stories that make headlines, ones that finally get our attention. Truth be known that every 68 seconds, someone in the US is sexually assaulted and every 9 minutes, that victim is a CHILD. The statistics are worse worldwide. These statistics do not surprise me. I am actually more alarmed that many others are surprised. Our society is a petri dish for sexual abuse.
Sex is a basic physiological need. Healthy sexual development begins at day one of life. Our society tends to shame and repress our natural desires of sexual expression. So what do we do when we are not allowed to find healthy ways to express ourselves? … We hide it and seek out any opportunity to get our needs met no matter how wrong it may be which most often means taking advantage of vulnerable people. On top of this, we have a catch-22 in our society where we “train” children, our most precious and vulnerable, that they must obey authority figures and have no rights to say “No.” Then we neglect to teach children how to tune in and listen to their intuition as well as the skills they need to assert themselves in any context.
Sexual expression is a complex and sensitive issue. The majority of us are conditioned to believe that sex is morally wrong in any context other than in marriage. While at the same time, sex sells, promoted all over (the average age kids are first exposed to some form of porn is 11) and is a fundamental physiological need. Sexual expression feels good and is part of healthy, holistic well-being. We all suffer immensely from the repression and hypocrisy of these mixed messages. It is not enough to have the one ‘big talk’ or random assertion that You should have no one touch you and to tell mom or dad if someone does (especially when it can be mom or dad who is abusing you-FYI between 1980 and 2022, around 15 percent of families in the United States reported to have had an event of incest in the family). It is a constant open dialogue in small teachable moments throughout life. It is in the subtle messages you send via your choice of words, clothes, media, and so on. How can we expect kids to come to us when we aren’t even comfortable to talk about healthy sex. If you do not talk to them, then they will get their answers from unknown sources.
Although it angers me how ignorant people are to the prevalence of sexual abuse and that children are at greater risk with those they trust, I understand why we ignore the signs. In order to accept that this is going on in your city, your school, and even worse, your family would mean that you have to accept the responsibility that this went on without your awareness. Of course, it is easier to be in denial. It is a natural defense mechanism. It is disturbing to even consider this reality, let alone take any responsibility.
The common reactions I hear when these stories of sexual abuse make headlines are either in the vien of victim blaming or retribution. These reactions are fear-based. Neither of them solve the root problem and keep us perpetually stuck. I was sexualized and given inappropriate attention since I can first remember. I was molested as a child by someone I trusted and sexually harassed on a regular basis. These events had led to traumatic consequences and emotional scars that I am still healing.
Only after years of having safe relationships where I could thoroughly process all the events, memories, feelings, fears, and thoughts, did I experience a surprising shift. I had empathy for those who caused me suffering and wanted to forgive them. I want to stress that forgiveness was never my goal nor do I believe people must forgive. This level of awareness only seemed to unfold naturally as I gave myself permission to truly feel and heal. I understand that they were mirroring and doing what they had access to. I do not blame them per se, as we live in a culture that promotes sexual abuse. I choose to be part of the solution, take responsibility and give more informed, conscious access and resources. I empower, educate, and support people to find healthy, respectful, and non-violent ways to get their needs met.
Here are links to get you started on promoting positive and empowering sexual development for children:
Teaching Kids About Their Bodies (for Parents) – NAPNAP
Top 10 Tips for Talking to Children about Sexuality by Vanessa Hamilton
https://e2epublishing.info/blog/2013/12/29/how-to-educate-your-child-in-body-safety
https://birdsandbeesandkids.com/
http://goodmenproject.com/families/the-healthy-sex-talk-teaching-kids-consent-ages-1-21/
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/parents
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/parents/resources-parents
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/drivers_ed_for_the_sexual_superhighway_navigating_consent
Books
Talking with Your Child About Sex: Questions and Answers for Children from Birth to Puberty by Mary S. Calderone and James W. Ramey
Birds + Bees + YOUR Kids – A Guide to Sharing Your Beliefs about Sexuality, Love, and Relationships: Everything YOU Need To Know Before Middle School! by Amy Lang
10 Conversations to Have with your Teen about Sex, Dating & Relationships by Dr. Pepper Schwartz
Here are links on healing sexual trauma:
helpingsurvivors.org/child-sexual-abuse/
Check out some of our most popular videos:
How to Sooth Disturbing Emotions and Process Negative Events Quickly – Simple Techniques
Positive Reframe on Healing: All Healing is Self-Healing
What I Do Instead of Making Up Consequences and Punishment
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DISCLAIMER:
Positive Reframe shares resources with the intent of the positive progression of informed decision making related to issues associated with emotional, relational, physical and spiritual wellness. While I share personal and professional perspectives, my writings reflect my personal opinion and not intended to substitute professional advice, diagnosis, and treatment thus the content shared on this page is for informational purposes only. This online medium does not lend itself to the level of detail and rapport building required for thorough assessment and therapeutic intervention. To make well-informed decisions that best meet your family’s unique needs, I highly recommend exploring and researching available options, consulting primary health care providers, engaging in respectful dialogue with friends and family as well as seek referrals from a trusted source for professional counseling. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapy in the state of Illinois, USA
If you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please call or go to your local emergency center.
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