Life can be overwhelming, especially during moments of conflict or intense emotions. As a therapist and relationship coach, the #1 question I hear is: “What’s the best thing I can do to improve my relationships?” While the truth lies in many small actions, there’s one powerful practice that consistently stands out: self-care in the moment, especially when you’re emotionally triggered.
The Calm-Down Jar: A Visual Metaphor
To demonstrate this, I use what I call a Calm Down Jar, which I made with my daughter. Imagine a clear jar filled with glitter, sand, and water. When shaken, it swirls into a cloudy mess. This is what happens to our minds and nervous systems during conflict. Emotions, thoughts, and memories all stirred up, leaving us unable to think clearly.
But here’s the key: when we stop and let the jar settle, clarity returns. Just like the glitter, our thoughts and emotions need time and stillness to settle.
Step 1: Awareness
Before you can regulate your emotions, you need to recognize when you’re dysregulated. Common signals include:
- Increased heart rate
- Shallow breathing
- Tension in your jaw or body
- Feeling hot or flushed
- Negative spiraling thoughts or behaviors
Simply noticing this state is your first powerful step toward calming down.
Step 2: Deep Breathing
Once aware, pause and take three deep breaths. Inhale through your nose, and exhale through your mouth. Let’s try it together:
- Breathe in…
- Blow out slowly…
- Repeat twice more…
This resets your nervous system by flooding your body with oxygen, a vital nutrient your brain and body need, especially under stress.
Step 3: Body Scan and Soothing Touch
Next, gently scan your body from head to toe. Notice where tension, thoughts, or emotions live.
Place your hand on your heart or abdomen, wherever you feel most comforted, and take three more deep breaths, sending kindness and calm to those areas.
Step 4: Color Visualization
Still holding tension? Try this:
- Visualize your favorite color.
- Inhale and imagine that color filling your body.
- Exhale and picture pushing out tension as a different color, maybe something dark or heavy.
Repeat this color breath three times, using the power of imagination to release what no longer serves you.
Step 5: Settle, Reflect, and Respond
After practicing these steps, do another body scan. Hopefully, you’ll feel more grounded and clear. Like our calm-down jar, your inner storm has settled, and now you can respond, rather than react.
Self-care isn’t selfish, it’s essential. When you take responsibility for your regulation and needs, you not only feel better, but you also improve every relationship in your life.
Take a deep breath. Trust the process. You deserve peace and clarity.
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