Many systems operate from the assumption that there needs to be a hierarchy, someone at the top, a boss to lead, to have power over. When my son was younger, he would complain that it felt like I was the boss of him and he had to do what I said. I would reflect back that yes, it does feel like I am telling him what to do a lot. I tell him that I don’t want to boss him around and that I want him to be his own boss. I do know it is my job to protect him and teach him how to be healthy and safe so when he does things that threaten health or safety, I tend to interject. Yet upon great reflection and listening to my son, I started to notice that I was interfering too often and too soon as well as reacting from fear and my own negative core beliefs.
I made a conscious choice to catch my own reactions and negative, fearful narratives and stopped my re-directions, lectures, scowling, controlling reactions, etc. I began to reflect on what I was seeing, identifying feelings and trusting him to figure it out. It might take longer, things break and get messy, and he will get hurt, yet he learns what he was meant to learn every time I “let go.” I am amazed and feel great relief every time I do it. Of course, when the threat is of imminent loss of life or limb, I will still jump in but really how often does this happen? I choose to live my life in trust, not fear.
For example, once when he was playing a video game on our computer. I realized that I could not listen to my music on the computer while he was doing this. I felt irritated and entitled to be able to listen to my music on my computer. I snapped at him that he now had a shorter time to play. I felt the negativity tighten my body and heard the shrill in my voice. I stopped myself, apologized to my son for being grumpy at him, and shared my feelings in a neutral tone about how I was feeling frustrated that I couldn’t listen to my music because he was using the computer. I let it go and started another conversation with my partner. Within moments, my son turned the sound off his game then opened up our music files and asked what music I would like to hear. All of this happened in less than five minutes and he was five years old.
I could cite 1000 interchanges like this where my children teach me about the power of love and trust, but honestly, this is something one must experiment with and experience the connection for themselves. Personally, my children get me to step out of my comfort zone and enjoy life to its fullest when I am open to accepting their influence. I welcome my son’s so-called “back talk.” He makes valid points and gets me to change fear-based habits. I believe we were all created equal, this includes children. I even think children have greater insight and personal power because their bodies/minds/souls have absorbed less negativity or interference and are more connected. I work every day to embrace fear, let go, and love and trust more. To lead by example and use power-with instead of power-over. It is hard to let go and can be scary due to life’s unpredictable nature and the fact that many of us are completely unfamiliar with it.
This may help, imagine having a controlling boss, the one who would like to dictate everything and seems to never be satisfied, focusing on what you do wrong all the time… Now how happy and well-adjusted would you be if you lived with that boss 24/7?
If you’d like support on how to lead and guide your children with respect and confidence, you can learn more about my services by calling me at 847 603 4677 or checking out Debra Wallace MS LMFT profile at Therapy Portal
Take Wonderful Care,
P.S. Here’s an article on how Kids who talk back become more successful adults
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