“But the first step to dealing with the fact that your young child doesn’t sleep through the night, or doesn’t want to sleep without you is to realize that:
- (1) Not sleeping through the night until they are 3 or 4 years of age is normal and healthy behavior for human infants.
- (2) Your children are not being difficult or manipulative, they are being normal and healthy, and behaving in ways that are appropriate for our species.
Once you understand these simple truths, it becomes much easier to deal with parenting your child at night. Once you give up the idea that you must have 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep at night, and view these nighttime interactions with your child as precious and fleeting, you get used to them very quickly.” – Katherine Dettwyler, PH.D
Sleeping Through the Night http://pathwaystofamilywellness.org/The-Outer-Womb/sleeping-through-the-night.html
This understanding helped my sanity immensely when my daughter was an infant and a wobbler. I have had this gut feeling that forcing children to sleep alone was counter-intuitive. When I did it to our first-born son, I frequently felt torn. I thought how hard and confusing for him as his parents went to sleep together every night. I love cuddling with another soul at night, how could I deprive him of such a simple and wonderful comfort? I also think having separate rooms is a luxury that many civilizations have not afforded. He must feel alienated and alone. Every night, around 1 AM, he would bump through the dark hallways to climb a ladder to our bed and I allowed him to stay there. Then I worried if he would ever learn to sleep on his own.
When he was 3 yrs old, I learned that 85% of brain connections were made by age 3 and 45% of the connections that were not made are gone. This is huge and pretty much explains how most our society may only be operating on a half of our brain’s potential. Up to that point, I had considered myself well-educated on child development and parenting, and I was when you consider mainstream. I am glad that I have the thirst for knowledge and embrace my weaknesses. I learn something new every day and challenge my “wrong truths” (my son’s wording). Along with a greater of understanding of neuroscience, I also have a theory that forcing a child to sleep through the night may cause the brain to develop out of order and/or skip crucial and formative connections.
My second child was completely different and was up several times a night for the first three years of life and never wanted to be alone. My daughter did eventually sleep through the night. I went 3.5 years without a full night’s sleep, co-sleeping, no allowance for “cry it out”, and frequent night nursing. I had very little support, as men are notoriously well known for being able to sleep through the night without any issues for their own evolutionary reasons. Women, on the other hand, are typically wired more to be hypervigilant and sense everything to protect their babies. As a couple therapist, I witness this happen in countless relationships. Sleep is vital and takes a toll on our wellbeing and relationships. I would naturally (emotionally) lose it about every few weeks due to exhaustion, then I’d review my research, read new studies, and reflect on our wonderful relationship and the other leaps and bounds she had made. What helped me cope most was understanding the science of attachment, validating my frustrations, exhaustion, and feelings of helplessness, accepting the reality that daughter nor I will be sleeping through the night for a long time, and affirming that I can do this and it will be worth it. I would repeatedly remind myself of this whenever I found myself at my wits’ end.
I accept that my daughter (nor I) will not be sleeping through the night till age 3 or 4.
[Deep breaths]… I can do this and it will be worth it.
I continued responding to her night wakings with as much nurturance and compassion for her and myself as I could muster. My daughter’s progression of sleeping through the night was extremely gradual, and even getting a full sleep cycle was sporadic. Sleeping through the night, didn’t happen overnight, and looks more like the second “success” picture:
I believe everything exists on a continuum and there are many ways to reach the same endpoint (equifinality). So there are babies who can and will sleep through the night sooner than later and vice versa. There are many nurturing, respectful, and creative ways to get vital needs met. There are also many emotional, physical, environmental, and contextual variables that play into sleeping through the night too. My oldest son is a rock-solid sleeper too. We actually welcomed him back full-time into our family bed when he was 4 years old for many reasons. At age six, he was ready and motivated to have his own space where he has been ever since (well, about once a month he still asks for a family cuddle.
This is a reflection of my unique experience so take what fits with your lifestyle the best and leave the rest. Wherever you are on this erratic trajectory, keep in mind these moments are precious and will be over before you know it.
To help you find a balance that works for you and your child, I highly recommend listening to this podcast: Attachment Parenting Versus The Science of Attachment, Clearing Up Misconceptions
Some online resources respond to nighttime wakings:
https://www.parentingscience.com/sleep-tips.html
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201301/simple-ways-calm-crying-baby
http://www.awareparenting.com/sleep.htm
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/sleep-problems
http://www.prweb.com/releases/2013/1/prweb10358548.htm
http://kellymom.com/parenting/nighttime/sleep/
To deep breaths and baby steps, this soon will pass.
~Debra
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Disclaimer
Positive Reframe shares resources with the intent of the positive progression of informed decision-making related to issues associated with emotional, relational, physical, and spiritual wellness. While I share personal and professional perspectives, my writings reflect my personal opinion and are not intended to substitute professional advice, diagnosis, and treatment thus the content shared on this page is for informational purposes only. This online medium does not lend itself to the level of detail and rapport building required for thorough assessment and therapeutic intervention. To make well-informed decisions that best meet your family’s unique needs, I highly recommend exploring and researching available options, consulting primary healthcare providers, engaging in respectful dialogue with friends and family as well as seek referrals from a trusted source for professional counseling. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of Illinois, USA.
Love it Deb! Sophia did not sleep with us but for a few weeks, and though she didn’t seem to mind I do feel like we missed out on a huge part of bonding. Helena and Solomon both co-sleep/co-slept. Sophia came into our family bed at age 4, too, when Helena was 18m and we finally got a king bed. Then they both slept with at least one of us until a couple of months ago. Now they share a bed together and Soli sleeps with us. Child-lead parenting definitely comes with emotional breakdowns for the parent and I think it’s sooooo important to have support, but it’s worth it!! We only parent our kids as children for such a short time…so yes, deep breaths and enjoy 🙂
Thank you Michelle! You are right, we cannot do this alone. This is exactly why it is one of my missions to create family centers and/or resources for families to feel safe and supported so they can connect and explore new options together. Big hugs from around the world.