My partner and I recently celebrated 20 years of marriage, or like to joke, 20 years of hiss and bliss, jeers and cheers, and ups and downs. Unconditional love is amazing yet commitment to it is hard. The inherent reward is hidden in the gut-wrenching process of self-improvement, intense discourse, and repair. It has taken great effort and positive intentions to heal past wounds, un-learn negative conditioning, rewrite narratives, and resolve many, many conflicts. We have traversed serious medical issues, grieved babies, lost dreams, financial woes, and international moves.
I liken the development of our relationship to being from different sections in a library and we met in the music section. It felt exhilarating to meet someone who liked the same music as me along with some other interests. Suddenly, I didn’t feel alone anymore, like someone got me. We connected, we danced, we found our groove, and then life happened, and reality set in, stressors, triggers, negative events, and new experiences. Gradually, I realized that my partner likes other music that I can’t stand, and actually enjoys more of my least favorite sections in the library, on a whole other level from me. We began to disagree more, coming from totally different perspectives, and not understanding each other, we gradually wandered off more and more to our desired sections of the library. I began to wonder who this person was, how we ever got along, and what the heck am I doing here in this section alone, resentful and confused. Did I even have the energy or the will to enter my partner’s section? And why can’t he come to my section more?…
You can read my blog How couples can thrive through parenting…to learn what motivated me to go to my partner’s section more and it wasn’t till about the 14th year of being together that I felt we got in the same book. Now into our 21st year, we actually get on the same page and even the same line on a regular basis, on many subjects. We still need and enjoy our favorite sections yet we now value and visit each other’s sections often as well as create new sections together. We sing and dance as a family.
All my research in relationships, neuroscience, trauma, and attachment gave me faith that it was worth the discomfort and seemingly endless, intense discourse. Seeing how our children relate and reflect on our relationship and family is music to my ears and daily living proof. One comment that sticks out that my son made was, “I used to think you and Dad argued a lot, then I started to notice other families, and wow, do others not get along. You two really try to understand each other and work it out.” He was moved to share this with me as his dad and I were in the middle of one of our discourses, each taking space to calm down and he wanted to provide encouragement. What he noticed is my legacy that I have worked passionately to give my children and everyone I work with: Anything is possible when we feel safe and understood. Let go, fear less, love more, and trust the process. Deep breaths, baby steps <3 Debra
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