Conflict Reframe

Positive Reframe...

Conflict, or times of significant stress, can also be the greatest opportunities for connection, healing, and growth when you learn to embrace the negativity and trust the journey. It is scary to be vulnerable and even though I have experienced the benefits of this experience, a part of me still gets triggered to fear and naturally wants to resist and that’s OK. It matters more how we choose to respond, to love ourselves and everyone else through. ~Debra

“Conflict can be a sign of where we are in conflict with ourselves: It can signal an unmet need that we’ve ignored for too long. It can give us a clue to where the fire’s burning so we can find ways to put it out instead of letting it spread and destroy us. It can point to where we’re stuck in our lives. It can invite us into awareness and reduction of stress…

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Vital Needs

Unfortunately, what we need the most to heal, connection, we have learned to fear.

Positive Reframe...

There are no bad people, only those with less vital needs met and more pain to heal. Every interaction is an opportunity to nurture, heal and grow… 

Burning Man sculpture called “Love” by Alexandr Milov Burning Man sculpture called “Love” by Alexandr Milov

Human defense mechanisms intrigue me (i.e. passive/aggressiveness, distortion, projection, denial, fantasy, rationalization, minimizing )…They protect us from absorbing too much pain at once so that the body/mind/heart can prepare to process the uncomfortable, hurtful, and overwhelming experience in order integrate and transcend but if we depend on these mechanisms or use them too long, they harden to bricks that build a wall. You might feel the illusion of safety behind this great wall, but the build-up of toxins, the natural consequences and negativity will delude you. Connection, being able to touch another’s heart is one of our vital needs. Many of our other needs are cultivated within well-connected and mutually satisfying and respectful relationships. Unfortunately, 

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Positive Reframe on Women’s Bodies

I have been seeing a slew of photos of new celebrity mother’s showing how wonderful they look after losing all their baby weight gain while their babies are still under the age of one. Some have only just made it out of the 4th trimester – the first three months after the baby is born. Now don’t get me wrong, I want women to celebrate their bodies and feel comfortable to share no matter what stage or shape you are in. I happened to lose 60lbs after my second child was born and was asked to pose for some clothing advertising. I was actually “skinny shamed” by a commenter. They had no idea nor took any consideration on how this was my first time ever posing and I was finally feeling confident and flattered for being asked after losing all the weight I gained from four pregnancies, three being consecutive miscarriages, including a stillbirth.

What concerns me the most is the added pressure and sub-text, the negative messages that women are absorbing about their bodies when they are the most vulnerable, in the transition of being a mother and needing to nurture a dependent soul. How you look should absolutely be the last thing on your mind. In fact, I don’t even think it needs to be on a list of worries. Have you had a baby!?! I assure you, there is enough to worry about. Being able to shower and sleep are hard enough. I could easily go off on a tangent about privilege as well… losing weight is hard and it’s one thing when you have secure resources and an elaborate support system but let’s get back to weight.

The most recent comment I read from a celebrity was regarding her post-partum body. She stated, “I don’t even know what to say, other than I’m so sorry to my body.” … I wish we could reframe this messages to one of gratitude, strength, encouragement, and compassion for our bodies like, “Wow, thank you body for supporting and nurturing me and my baby. I will continue to prioritize my wellbeing and nourish you the best way I can.” Imagine what would happen if we consciously chose to send positive and supportive messages about our bodies…What “If tomorrow, women woke up and decided they really liked their bodies, just think how many industries would go out of business.” Dr. Gail Dines

Here are some links on how society influences and/or distorts how we define beauty…

 

 

 

Promoting Resiliency and Connection Tips

We can promote resiliency & connection by ‘tuning in’ to our senses, thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and relationships. Negativity, symptoms, and conflict often come from a state of stress and/or unmet needs.

Positive Reframe...

We can promote resiliency & connection by ‘tuning in’ to our senses, thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and relationships. Negativity, symptoms, and conflict often come from a state of stress and/or unmet needs. 

Here are keys to empowering you to make conscious choices to get your vital needs met. Understanding and following these will harmonize your connection to your mind, body, and soul as well as your relationships.

Bright side..Resilience

Inconsistent or inadequate amounts/quality of the following vital needs trigger dysregulation (dependent on context and individual temperament or special needs):

  1. Nutrition/Hydration
  2. Temperature
  3. Sleep
  4. Level of stimulation (from all senses: sight, hearing, touch, taste, & smell)
  5. Connection and Emotional needs of feeling Respected, Important, Secure, Accepted, Included
  6. Unprocessed stress/trauma (negative events, thoughts, emotions, chemicals)

“…kids don’t get dysregulated because we allow their emotions. They get dysregulated when they need to express an emotion but can’t. So, instead, they act (it) out.” ~Dr Laura…

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Self-Regulation VS Co-Regulation or Both?

Positive Reframe...

Human bodies are amazing and self-regulating. We each have a unique homeostasis that our bodies need to feel balanced and function optimally. Thus based on our environment, interpersonal neurobiology, genetics, temperament, exposure to toxins or trauma and so on, we each need a variety of nutrients, needs, and level of stimulation and arousal to function well. When we are pushed out of our window of tolerance or are deficient in anything, we will automatically react with symptoms and signals to get what we perceive we are needing. The body will actually shut down certain functions based on how vital the functions are to staying alive under the current conditions we are perceiving.

You may have heard the term self-regulation which refers to being able to control oneself in order to find balance and calm within our internal and external systems. When it comes to emotions, self-regulation often means having the…

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Negative effects of toxic stress

Positive Reframe...

All negativity comes from a state of stress within our central nervous system. Stress can be an emotional, mental, physical, or chemical stimulus that is prolonged, unpredictable, and/or overwhelming to our body and mind. Stress can come in the form of having big and conflicting emotions at once, lacking skills and not knowing how to handle the situation appropriately, or having unmet needs like nutrition, rest, connection, etc. Any stress that goes on unexpressed, unprocessed, and/or misunderstood can become toxic and traumatic.  Naturally, experiences that involve actual or perceived death or serious injury increases the potential for toxic levels of stress and trauma. Toxic stress and trauma lead to dysregulation which is being in a state of STRESS beyond one’s window of tolerance and does the following:

  • Alters the chemistry and functioning of your mind/body/heart connections;
  • Creates unconscious emotions of fear;
  • Activates stress hormones and flight/flight/freeze mode of reactions;
  • Decreases ability to access higher brain…

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Letting Go…

“To Let Go doesn’t mean to stop caring; it means I can’t do it for someone else…”

Positive Reframe...

“To Let Go doesn’t mean to stop caring; it means I can’t do it for someone else.

To Let Go is not to cut myself off; it’s the realization that I can’t control another.

To Let Go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To Let Go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To Let Go is not to try to change or blame others, I can only change myself.

To Let Go is not to care for, but to care about.

To Let Go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To Let Go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To Let Go is to not be in the middle arranging outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.

To Let Go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

To Let Go is not…

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