Five steps to a Positive Reframe

Positive Reframe...

We are all doing the best we can with the resources we are aware of or have access to.  Negativity (ie. negative emotions, unhealthy habits, tension, conflict, disease) often comes from a build-up of unprocessed stress, perceived threats (real or imagined), toxins and/or unmet needs. You need to take a time to process, nurture yourself and send positive messages to your body, mind, heart, and relationships.

Here are five steps to a Positive Reframe:

1. Breathe

Take a deep breath, preferably in through your nose (3-4 seconds) and out of your mouth (5-8 seconds), repeat 3 times as needed. Breathing is like pressing the reset for your central nervous system getting oxygen to all your cells, calming you down, connecting to your heart and body whilst empowering your wise mind. Click here to see a breathing exercise video I made.

2. Give yourself permission

Give yourself permission to feel whatever…

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What motivates us?

Positive Reframe...

I have learned that the most gratifying and sustaining form of motivation comes from within, intrinsically. Sadly, much of our world is built on a punitive or reward based system. Most of us are doing things only to avoid pain or gain a reward.

There are countless thoughts, feelings, and variables influencing a persons’ action and self-worth. Much of these go ignored, unappreciated, refuted, shamed, criticized, rejected, etc. Our self-worth deteriorates into a distorted picture of what others think and by how we are treated. We focus on external things to not only judge our own wellbeing and value but to also make us feel better (or worse in most cases).

I have an extensive history of being successful: captain, honor roll student, summa cum laude, job promotions, Master’s degree, business owner, happily married, brilliant children, yet whenever anything goes slightly off, all I can see is a big fat…

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“I’m sorry that you’re hurting so desperately right now…”

“I’m sorry that you’re hurting so desperately right now.
I know how painful the seconds, and minutes, and days can be, how long the nights are.
I understand how very hard hanging on is, and how much courage it takes.
I ask though that you hold onto one day at a time.
Just one day, and slowly this despair will pass.
The feelings you fear you’re trapped in will serve their purpose and then fade away.
Difficult to imagine isn’t it?
Almost impossible to believe when every cell in your body
it seems cries out in agony, desperately in need of comfort.
When it feels like the only thing in the whole world that can touch
your pain and banish it is beyond your grasp.
And after all this time, the assurance that you will heal
has become an empty, broken promise.
Just let one tiny cell in your body continue to believe in the promise of healing.
Just one. You can surrender every other cell to your despair.
Just that one little cell of faith that you can heal and be whole again
is enough to keep you going, is enough to lead you through the darkness.
Although it can’t banish your suffering, it can sustain you
until the time comes for you to let your pain go.
And the letting go can only occur in it’s own time,
as much as we would like to push the pain away forever.
Hold on.
Hold on to appreciate the beauty of the earth,
to feel the songs of the birds in your heart,
to learn and to teach,
to laugh a genuine laugh,
to dance on the beach,
to rest peacefully,
to experience contentment,
to want to be no other place but in the here and now,
to trust in yourself,
and to trust your life.
Hold on because it’s worth the terrible waiting.
Hold on because you are worthy.
Hold on because the wisdom that will follow you out of this darkness will be a tremendous gift.
Hold on because you have so much love and joy waiting to be experienced.
Hold on because life is precious, even though it can bring terrible losses.
Hold on because there is so much that you can’t now imagine waiting ahead on your journey
…a destiny that only you can fulfill.
Hold on although you’re exhausted and your grasp is shaky,
and you want more than anything to let go sometimes, hold on even though.
Please hold on.
So much in life can be difficult, even impossible to understand.
I know, I know…So many of us have cried in despair, why? why? Why?
and still the answers and the comfort failed to show.
Survival can be a long and lonely road,
in spite of all those who’ve stumbled down the path before you.
And it can be a treacherous, torturous journey…
so easy to get lost, and yet impossible to avoid even one painful step.
And the light, the light at the end of the dark tunnel for so long cannot be seen,
although eventually you’ll begin to feel its’ warmth as you move forward.
And forward you must move
in order to get through the hell of remembering, of despair, of rage, of grief.
Keep looking forward please.
Rest if you must,
doubt your ability to survive the journey if you have to,
but never let go of the guide ropes,
although when you close your fingers around them, your hands feel empty,
they are there.
Please trust me, they are there.
When you’re exhausted, when all you have to count on is a weakened, weary faith,
hold on.
When you think you want to die,
hold on until you recognize that it’s not death you seek,
but for the pain to go away.
Hold on, because this darkness will surely fade away.”

~Tammie Byram Fowles

Click here if you have had suicidal thoughts in past

Click here to learn what to do when a friend has suicidal thoughts…

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts now or know someone who is, call 911 or visit your local emergency room

Call 1-800-273-8255 https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Text 741741 from anywhere in the USA https://www.crisistextline.org/

Please take wonderful care of yourself… I know it doesn’t feel you can or it doesn’t seem worth it yet I know that the world needs you and what you have to offer. You deserve a safe and non-judgmental place to process your pain and discover your gift.

past today quote

I am an expert in trauma-informed care, attachment science and a Marriage and Family Therapist. I offer online couseling at WeCounsel .

DISCLOSURE: Positive Reframe shares resources with the intent of the positive progression of informed decision making related to issues associated with emotional, relational, physical and spiritual wellness. While I share personal and professional perspectives, my writings reflect my personal opinion and not intended to substitute professional advice, diagnosis, and treatment. The online medium does not lend itself to the level of detail and rapport building required for thorough assessment and therapeutic intervention. Thus the content shared on this page is for informational purposes only. To make well-informed decisions that best meet your family’s unique needs, I highly recommend exploring and researching available options, consulting primary health care providers, engaging in respectful dialogue with friends and family as well as seek referrals from a trusted source for professional counseling. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapy in the state Illinois, USA

Peter Levine’s Felt Sense Exercise

Listening to Sounds True free Healing Trauma Summit first session with Peter Levine on “Somatic Experiencing: Healing Trauma Through the Wisdom of the Body” https://www.soundstrue.com/store/healing-trauma-summit/free-access-c

Reminded me if this exercise: Peter Levine’s Felt Sense Exercise

“I have come to the conclusion that human beings are born with an innate capacity to triumph over trauma. I believe not only that trauma is curable, but that the healing process can be a catalyst for profound awakening—a portal opening to emotional and genuine spiritual transformation. I have little doubt that as individuals, families, communities, and even nations, we have the capacity to learn how to heal and prevent much of the damage done by trauma. In so doing, we will significantly increase our ability to achieve both our individual and collective dreams.” ― Peter A. LevineHealing Trauma: A Pioneering Program for Restoring the Wisdom of Your Body

Also, check out the book:

Trauma-Proofing Your Kids: A Parents’ Guide for Instilling Confidence, Joy, and Resilience   by Peter A. LevineMaggie Kline

Your bill of rights…

You have the right to be you.

Positive Reframe...

You have the right to be you.

You have the right to put yourself first.

You have the right to be safe.

You have the right to love and be loved.

You have the right to be treated with respect.

You have the right to be human – NOT PERFECT.

You have the right to angry and protest if you are treated unfairly or abusively by anyone.

You have the right to you own privacy.

You have the right to your own opinions, to express them, and to be taken seriously.

You have the right to earn and control you own money.

You have the right to answer questions about anything that affects you.

You have the right to make decisions that affect you.

You have the right to grow and change (and that includes changing your mind).

You have the right to say NO. You have the right to…

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What motivates us?

I have learned that the most gratifying and sustaining form of motivation comes from within, intrinsically. Sadly, much of our world is built on a punitive or reward based system. Most of us are doing things only to avoid pain or gain a reward.

There are countless thoughts, feelings, and variables influencing a persons’ action and self-worth. Much of these go ignored, unappreciated, refuted, shamed, criticized, rejected, etc. Our self-worth deteriorates into a distorted picture of what others think and by how we are treated. We focus on external things to not only judge our own wellbeing and value but to also make us feel better (or worse in most cases).

I have an extensive history of being successful: captain, honor roll student, summa cum laude, job promotions, Master’s degree, business owner, happily married, brilliant children, yet whenever anything goes slightly off, all I could see is a big fat “F” and feeling terrified of what other’s reactions may be. Most often people’s attempts to comfort felt dismissive or insulting. When I was in this depressive, stressed state and one exuberantly pointed out everything I have to be grateful for or even what I did right, it sadly only highlighted my inadequacy…that I even fail at being grateful and seeing my strengths. This may seem extreme yet this had been one my realities I had to identify and embrace.

Now I am well aware of where this all comes from as I have dedicated my life to finding peace. Fortunately, I have many, many more moments of peace and joy yet I am human and still get triggered.  These moments have grown exponentially the more I embrace my fears and follow my light. I have a history of abuse, shame, and guilt to heal. Accepting pain and negativity was the only way to survive and still be next to the people I loved and needed the most. I know from the bottom of my heart that the cast of people in my childhood were truly doing the best they could with the resources they were aware of and had given to them… You only know what you know and can’t give what you have never received.

I vow every day to give everyone the unconditional love and support they need to be honest, free and process their pain. Our universe, body, mind, and soul have a highly intelligent and sensitive communication system that regulates beautifully when innate resources are given time and space to do so.  It is amazing what the one’s will manifests when trusted and nurtured from beginning to end.  Love and connection is the ultimate inherent reward.

The tricky part is that this ability to love unconditionally is developed in our higher, more evolved brain. Our brains develop sequentially over time from bottom to top. The more consistent, reliable and trusting support we have with someone who is safe, warm and responsive when we perceive a threat – real or imagined- and experience fear, then the more optimal and secure our connections, integration, development, and relationships are.  Our pleasure-seeking and pain-avoidance reaction is housed in our lower, reptilian brain which is unconscious and highly sensitive thus another’s negative reaction gets very easily integrated into our central nervous system and being. It can take a lifetime to unravel these connections and discover what motivates you intrinsically. To discover this path, I recommend finding safe places and ways to process negativity as well as connect to what brings you the most joy, peace, and light to your life.

Here is a link for deeper exploration into the dynamic of avoiding pain/seeking pleasure and the parent/child relationship:

https://titaniumsuccess.com/6-rules-of-pain-and-pleasure-the-science-behind-all-human-action/

When a Parent’s ‘I Love You’ Means ‘Do as I Say’   http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/15/health/15mind.html?_r=2

Take Wonderful Care,

Debra

You can learn more about me and my online services at Wecounsel

Disclaimer

Positive Reframe shares resources with the intent of the positive progression of informed decision making related to issues associated with emotional, relational, physical and spiritual wellness. While I share personal and professional perspectives, my writings reflect my personal opinion and not intended to substitute professional advice, diagnosis, and treatment. This online medium does not lend itself to the level of detail and rapport building required for thorough assessment and therapeutic intervention thus the content shared on this page is for informational purposes only. To make well-informed decisions that best meet your family’s unique needs, I highly recommend exploring and researching available options, consulting primary health care providers and seek referrals from a trusted source for professional counseling. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapy in the state of Illinois, USA

 

 

Anxiety, Sleep, and Trying Again and Again…

When it comes to making positive, healthy, and proactive changes, please try again and again. Genuine and sustainable healing takes time. Trust the process.

Positive Reframe...

I have had a unique relationship with Anxiety my whole life. Anxiety had affected just about every facet of life, especially sleep. For as long as I could remember, I had trouble falling asleep. I would lie awake for hours worrying, and replays of my past experiences and decisions haunted me. In 2005, it got even worse; I would wake up in the middle of night and could not fall back to sleep no matter what I tried. I complained that it was my stressful job and my partner watching TV at bedtime. I desperately needed to sleep and wanted my job and my partner to change.  Anxiety continued to sabotage me. In order to get a peaceful night of sleep, I had to do the following:

Step 1: I had to accept that my job is stressful and that I cannot control other people’s reactions/behaviors.

Step 2: I had to take responsibility for getting my own…

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