I understand how anyone who has been physically punished would have to make sense of being hit in some way. You would need to believe that there must be some value in it… I mean why else would the person you love and trust the most hit you and make you suffer more…You must have deserved it. Right!?!
It is a step in healing when you take the time to reflect on your upbringing. The heartbreaking part for me is that the majority of people have been trained to dismiss their suffering and believe “they are fine” and that we are getting what we “need” to learn lessons and respect, then stop there as their conclusion. They don’t even know that they have other options to reconcile the conflicting messages. Stuck to rationalize it and pass on the suffering to the next generation.
From my experience, we are not fine. Seriously, look at the divorce and crime rates, suicides, homicides, addictions, and growing list of diseases… If you don’t know how these are related, then you definitely need to do your research. Start here at Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)
Spanking does to child development what hitting a partner does to a committed relationship…
The reality is the majority of our vital needs are neglected, abused, dismissed, or propaganda-ed which is detrimental to our well-being and humanity. The fact that one thinks it is normal and completely acceptable to hit a child during the most critical and sensitive period of human development is proof in itself that they are not fine. Even if one is “fine,” oftentimes there are contextual variables affecting outcomes so naturally, as humans, will find some way to rationalize and find ways in which spanking seems effective, oblivious of the resiliency factors at play or the future negative consequences. I assure you that no matter what resiliency factors may be present, disconnection at some level has occurred, whether it be emotional, mental, physical, relational, or spiritual. Spanking does to a child’s development what hitting a partner does to a marriage…
To me, we are all born inherently good and those who act ‘bad’ are those with less vital needs met and more pain to heal. Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they are aware of, have access to, or what was literally beaten into them. Fortunately, we can heal past negative events and discover new resources. I have found that secure attachments, co-regulation, compassion, connection, mindfulness, and nonviolent communication are the most effective ways to nurture human beings and discover mutually satisfying solutions.
Consciously choose to be part of the solution, not the problem. Embrace fear, ease stress, nurture needs <3
Here are some resources to support positive, peaceful, and conscious parenting:
http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/
https://www.handinhandparenting.org/
https://www.teach-through-love.com/
“By understanding and increasing just this one capacity of the human brain, an enormous amount of social change can be fostered. Failure to understand and cultivate empathy, however, could lead to a society in which no one would want to live—a cold, violent, chaotic, and terrifying war of all against all. This destructive type of culture has appeared repeatedly in various times and places in human history and still reigns in some parts of the world. And it’s a culture that we could be inadvertently developing throughout America if we do not address current trends in child rearing, education, economic inequality, and our core values.” ― Bruce D. Perry, Born for Love: Why Empathy Is Essential–and Endangered
To learn more about the side effects of spanking, click the following links:
The effects of spanking confirmed by 50 years of research
https://edition.cnn.com/2017/12/05/health/spanking-dating-violence-study/index.html
http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/spanked.html
Check out some of our most popular videos:
How to Sooth Disturbing Emotions and Process Negative Events Quickly – Simple Techniques
Positive Reframe on Healing: All Healing is Self-Healing
What I Do Instead of Making Up Consequences and Punishment
Breathing Exercise to Self Soothe and Calm Down
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Disclaimer
Positive Reframe shares resources with the intent of the positive progression of informed decision-making related to issues associated with emotional, relational, physical, and spiritual wellness. While I share personal and professional perspectives, my writings reflect my personal opinion and are not intended to substitute professional advice, diagnosis, and treatment thus the content shared on this page is for informational purposes only. This online medium does not lend itself to the level of detail and rapport building required for thorough assessment and therapeutic intervention. To make well-informed decisions that best meet your family’s unique needs, I highly recommend exploring and researching available options, consulting primary healthcare providers, engaging in respectful dialogue with friends and family as well as seek referrals from a trusted source for professional counseling. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of Illinois, USA.
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